аЯрЁБс>ўџ <>ўџџџ;џџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџџьЅСs П )jbjbР Р "DЊkЊk %џџџџџџ]иииииииDDDDD PDDХ*АААААААА‚„„„„„„,яєуlАиААААААииАААА"иАиА‚ь,,ииииА‚r‚ии‚”wЄwЖDDв>‚C.I.M. Outline #28 THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP I. What Causes a Marriage to Fail? With great risk of oversimplification we would suggest that the following four factors are among the main reasons marriages are failing today: A. A lack of models. 1. The Biblical model is either not taught or is not known. 2. The Biblical model for a healthy marriage is not being practiced. A high percentage of people getting divorced are themselves from broken homes. Broken homes beget broken homes. B. Marriages fail because people make poor decisions. I'm always amazed when I hear someone publicly criticizing their mate. I think to myself: "Why did you marry this person if they are so bad?" The point is, if he or she had taken the time beforehand to become better acquainted, maybe these terrible flaws could've been detected and a bad decision avoided! Many marry based on sheer emotions or passion. They will pay later. C. Marriages also fail because of faulty expectations. People sometimes marry solely for what they can get out of marriage. When their needs are not being met, or their rights are violated, ending the marriage is the only option. In other words, one of the main reasons marriages fail is due to selfishness. Marriage is not entered into with the idea of mutual giving. D. Marriages fail because of faulty assumptions about the marriage relationship. Some of these are: 1. That marriage is an entirely different kind of relationship. It is true that a marriage is more intimate and at a deeper level of commitment, but otherwise, the dynamics are the same. If a person has difficulty relating to people in general, it is highly probable he or she will have the same difficulty relating to a mate. 2. That marriage is a transformer of bad traits. Many who marry due to the heat of the moment, think: "I'd better do it now; it may be my last chance." are in for rude awakening. Those who make these kinds of decisions often recognize potential problems, but rationalize that the character of their mate to be will somehow change. 3. That marriage is always better than being single. A happy marriage may be the best thing this side of heaven. However, an unhappy marriage can be hell on earth. Remaining single is not only God's will for some, it is also better than marrying outside of God's will. 4. That differences help in compatibility. Opposites attract in magnetism but repel in human relationships. This is romanticism at its finest! 5. That a successful marriage is void of disagreements. Where there are two people, there will be different opinions. There will be disagreements in any relationship, i.e. marriage. The point is, is there a mutual maturity present among the marriage partners that will allow for the differences, and work for an adjustment to those differences? 6. That marriage just involves the other partner. This again is romanticism. A person will not give up his or her sphere of friends, nor their families at marriage. During the courtship period, check out those mothers-in-laws and those friends. You might(will) learn a lot about a person by getting to know their parents and the friends they chose! (I hate to remind you, but kids do tend to take after their parents. Guys look closely at that potential mother-in-law; gals, the dad-in-law). 7. That love is entirely a non-intellectual phenomena. This is true only in Hollywood and in fiction. If the spouse you chose has a different worldview, you're headed for trouble. Learn to know the basic assumptions and values of the one you are dating. Scripture is pretty clear about being unequally yoked (II Cor. :14). II. The Components of a Successful Marriage A. Empathy. The ability to put oneself in another's shoes. To actually experience your mates' joys and sorrows. B. The ability to communicate. It should be present at the beginning of the relationship, and should be one of the things that attract you to that person (nota bene). It also must be developed to even greater heights throughout marriage. C. Maturity. But what is it? 1. The ability to solve problems and conflicts realistically. 2. The ability to accept the non-changeable phenomena of life, i.e. your personal appearance, gifts, etc. 3. The ability to orient one's life around meaningful and realistic goals. 4. The ability to assume responsibility for your own behavior. You will be judged for your own behavior, no one else's. 5. The ability to come to terms with self in a Biblical way not according to modern psychology. This means that you are not constantly defensive. You know the reality of your own sin, know God's forgiveness and realize that God sees you as being in Christ (and what does the Father think of the Son? Matt. 3:17. Look it up!) 6. The capacity to be supportive. The opposite of a critical attitude. 7. The ability to make everyday life meaningful. Making the most of the circumstances with which you find yourself. This is a person who lives life one day at a time, not whining for the past or impatient for the future. 8. The ability to be tolerant. I am convinced that this is one of the most important elements in a mature person. An immature person wants everyone to be like them. A mature person allows the other person to exist along side of them and even appreciates their difference! They may sincerely disagree but they tolerate the opinion of others. D. An attitude of respect. You see your mate as having admirable traits. When that respect is lost in a marriage, watch out! E. Understanding each other's roles. Who takes out the garbage! And a great deal more! If good communication exists these will be clear in each other's mind. F. Sexual adjustment. It must be viewed as a gift from God. It ensures procreation of the race, but it also provides a level of intimacy that cannot be found in any other relationship. One writer describes it as a kiss of the soul! When a man and a women enter into a marriage with the view of being totally committed to meeting the needs of their partner at the expense of their own needs, you come close to experiencing the relationship which exists between the members of the Holy Trinity. And believe it or not, children enhance this analogy! G. A good relationship with in-laws. See # E.8! H. A good reputation, i.e. Christian testimony. It can begin by making the wedding a real worship service. I. A good marriage will be reproductive. We refer here to not just having children, but having your children reproduce your good marriage. What a tragedy when a seemingly good marriage is not reproduced in the offspring. A parent's goal should be to affect their grandchildren! J. Thinking in terms of "we" rather that "me". This is a sure sign that oneness is being achieved. K. A total and unconditional commitment to bringing your mate to the fullest creativity, productivity, well- being, masculinity or femininity, spirituality(godliness), and maturity. III. Conclusion To singles: God has the best for those who won't settle for less. To marrieds: Would you like to start over? You can, today! Recommended reading: THE INTIMATE MARRIAGE, by R.C. Sproul. It's just a little booklet. Get it and read it with your mate, then buy a dozen to give your friends. $4.00 a copy. Christian Information Ministries is a non-profit ministry and is dependent on gifts from God's people in order to operate. If you receive a benefit from our materials would you consider giving a tax-deductible gift to CIM. We suggest $25. a year minimum. Send to: Christian Information Ministries 2050 N. 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