CIM Briefing Papers

C.I.M. Outline #28                   THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP 
 
I.  What Causes a Marriage to Fail? 
 
    With great risk of oversimplification we would suggest that 
    the following   four factors are among the main reasons 
    marriages are failing today: 
 
    A.  A lack of models.   
 
        1.  The Biblical model is either not taught or is not 
            known. 
 
        2.  The Biblical model for a healthy marriage is not 
            being practiced.  A high percentage ofpeople getting 
            divorced are themselves from brokenhomes.  Broken 
            homes beget broken homes. 
 
    B.  Marriages fail because people make poor decisions.  I'm 
        always amazed when I hear someone publicly criticizing 
        their mate.  I think to myself:  "Why did you marry this 
        person if they are so bad?"  The point is, if he or she 
        had taken the time beforehand to become better 
        acquainted, maybe these terrible flaws could've been 
        detected and a bad decision avoided!  Many marry based 
        on sheer emotions or passion.  They will pay later. 
 
    C.  Marriages also fail because of faulty expectations.  
        People sometimes marry solely for what they can get out 
        of marriage.  When their needs are not being met, or 
        their rights are violated, ending the marriage is the 
        only option.  In otherwords, one of the main reasons 
        marriages fail is due to selfishness.  Marriage is not 
        entered into with the idea of mutual giving. 
 
    D.  Marriages fail because of faulty assumptions about the 
        marriage relationship. Some of these are: 
 
        1.  That marriage is an entirely different kind of 
            relationship.  It is true that a marriage is more 
            intimate and at a deeper level of commitment, but 
            otherwise, the dynamics are the same.  If a person 
            has difficulty relating to people in general, it is 
            highly probable he or she will have the same 
            difficulty relating to a mate. 
 
        2.  That marriage is a transformer of bad traits.  Many 
            who marry due to the heat of the moment, think: "I'd 
            better do it now; it may be my last chance." are in 
            for rude awakening.  Those who make these kinds of 
            decisions often recognize potential problems, but 
            rationalize that the character of their mate to be 
            will somehow change. 
 
        3.  That marriage is always better than being single.  A 
            happy marriage may be the best thing this side of 
            heaven.  However, an unhappy marriage can be hell on 
            earth.  Remaining single is not only God's will for 
            some, it is also better than marrying outside of 
            God's will. 
 
        4.  That differences help in compatibility.  Opposites 
            attract in magnetism but repel in human 
            relationships.  This is romanticism at its finest! 
 
        5.  That a successful marriage is void of disagreements.  
            Where there are two people, there will be different 
            opinions.  There will be disagreements in any 
            relationship, i.e. marriage.  The point is, is there 
            a mutual maturity present among the marriage 
            partners that will allow for the differences, and 
            work for an adjustment to those differences? 
 
        6.  That marriage just involves the other partner.  This 
            again is romanticism.  A person will not give up his 
            or her sphere of friends, nor their families at 
            marriage.  During the courtship period, check out 
            those mothers-in-laws and those friends.  You 
            might(will) learn a lot about a person by getting to 
            know their parents and the friends they chose!  (I 
            hate to remind you, but kids do tend to take after 
            their parents.  Guys look closely at that potential 
            mother-in-law; gals, the dad-in-law). 
 
        7.  That love is entirely a non-intellectual phenomena.  
            This is true only in Hollywood and in fiction.  If 
            the spouse you chose has a different worldview, 
            you're headed for trouble.  Learn to know the basic 
            assumptions and values of the one you are dating.  
            Scripture is pretty clear about being unequally 
            yoked (II Cor. :14).  
 
II.  The Components of a Successful Marriage 
 
     A.  Empathy.  The ability to put oneself in another's shoes.  
         To actually experience your mates' joys and sorrows. 
 
     B.  The ability to communicate.  It should be present at the 
         beginning of the relationship, and should be one of the 
         things that attract you to that person (nota bene).  It 
         also must be developed to even greater heights 
         throughout marriage. 
 
     C.  Maturity.  But what is it? 
 
         1.  The ability to solve problems and conflicts 
             realistically. 
 
         2.  The ability to accept the non-changeable phenomena 
             of life, i.e. your personal appearance, gifts, etc. 
 
         3.  The ability to orient one's life around meaningful 
             and realistic    goals. 
 
         4.  The ability to assume responsibility for your own 
             behavior.  You will be judged for your own 
             behavior, no one else's. 
 
         5.  The ability to come to terms with self in a 
             Biblical way not according to modern psychology.  
             This means that you are not constantly defensive.  
             You know the reality of your own sin, know God's 
             forgiveness and realize that God sees you as being 
             in Christ (and what does the Father think of the 
             Son?  Matt. 3:17.  Look it up!) 
 
         6.  The capacity to be supportive.  The opposite of a 
             critical attitude. 
 
         7.  The ability to make everyday life meaningful.  
             Making the most of the circumstances with which you 
             find yourself.  This is a person who lives life one 
             day at a time, not whining for the past or 
             impatient for the future. 
 
         8.  The ability to be tolerant.  I am convinced that 
             this is one of the most important elements in a 
             mature person.  An immature person wants everyone 
             to be like them.  A mature person allows the other 
             person to exist along side of them and even 
             appreciates their difference!  They may sincerely 
             disagree but they tolerate the opinion of others. 
 
     D.  An attitude of respect.  You see your mate as having 
         admirable traits.  When that respect is lost in a 
         marriage, watch out! 
 
     E.  Understanding each other's roles.  Who takes out the 
         garbage!  And a great deal more!  If good communication 
         exists these will be clear in each other's mind. 
 
     F.  Sexual adjustment.  It must be viewed as a gift from 
         God.  It ensures procreation of the race, but it also 
         provides a level of intimacy that cannot be found in 
         any other relationship.  One writer describes it as a 
         kiss of the soul!  When a man and a women enter into a 
         marriage with the view of being totally committed to 
         meeting the needs of their partner at the expense of 
         their own needs, you come close to experiencing the 
         relationship which exists between the members of the 
         Holy Trinity.  And believe it or not, children enhance 
         this analogy! 
 
     G.  A good relationship with in-laws.  See # E.8! 
 
     H.  A good reputation, i.e. Christian testimony.  It can 
         begin by making the wedding a real worship service. 
 
     I.  A good marriage will be reproductive.  We refer here to 
         not just having children, but having your children 
         reproduce your good marriage.  What a tragedy when a 
         seemingly good marriage is not reproduced in the 
         offspring.  A parent's goal should be to affect their 
         grandchildren! 
 
     J.  Thinking in terms of "we" rather that "me".  This is a 
         sure sign that oneness is being achieved. 
 
     K.  A total and unconditional commitment to bringing your 
         mate to the fullest creativity, productivity, well- 
         being, masculinity or femininity, 
         spirituality(godliness), and maturity. 
 
III.  Conclusion 
 
      To singles:  God has the best for those who won't settle 
      for less. 
 
      To marrieds:  Would you like to start over?  You can, 
      today! 
 
Recommended reading:  THE INTIMATE MARRIAGE, by R.C. Sproul.  
                      It's just a little booklet.  Get it and 
                      read it with your mate, then buy a dozen 
                      to give your friends.  $4.00 a copy.   
 
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