[Worship] Needing Comfort...

[Zeebaz1@aol.com]

Hey list, 
I have been in the shadows for a while....kinda goin' through some stuff.  To 
be honest with you all, I'm depressed.  Now I know this will generate all 
kinds of responses like" christians shouldn't get depressed" and " the joy of 
the Lord is your strength,so you must be sinning if you are depressed".  I 
used to be the first and loudest to spout off this position when ever I heard 
someone say they were hurting or depressed...but bear with me as I open up my 
heart and share....
Many of you know from past postings that I am (was) worship leader at The 
Lighthouse Christian Center in Merced Ca.  But last week right after worship 
and the word my pastor (of 4 years) announced that we would no longer me 
meeting together as a "church".  He said that he and his family needed a 
"break"....in other words he said that he was closing the church and 
quitting.  As I stood with my guitar in my hand I didn't know whether to 
laugh or cry.  It had been a long and hard road we were on since we started 
this church about 18months ago.  Starting with 80 people and after much up 
and down attendance we leveled off to 3 families ( mine, pastors, and another 
family)  My wife and I have a good relationship with the pastor, so this was 
a shock that he didn't even bother to consult with us or even let us know he 
was going to do this.  We have put our whole hearts into this ministry...the 
Lord told us to stay when everyone else was leaving, so we did.  I know in my 
heart that we have done our destined part in this, but this was not expected 
so soon.  Not a week away from Easter!!  I haven't called the pastor this 
week, I am just trying to sort through all my emotions with my wife and 
Jesus.  It hurts that this pastor expected and even went so far as to demand 
our faithfulness to him and his ministry, then he turns around and shows 
nothing of the same in return to us.  My wife and I knew the ending to this 
church was coming, just not so soon.  I am now dealing with the "have to 
start all over again in a new church" blues.  New people, new pastors, new 
relarionships that will only leave us open to further disappointment...I am 
going to be completely honest here; I don't want to start all over again in a 
new church.  We worked so hard (with the Holy Spirit) to bring the church 
into a place of real intimacy and unity in worship.  Now we have to go 
through the "get to know you and your heart/vision thing".  I believe in 
that...in waiting on the Lord to appoint you in ministry, not you ambitiously 
pushing or selling yourself to the leadership of the church.  It takes time 
to get involved, and now I feel like four years of sticking with this pastor 
and forging this relationship were in vain.  I have to start all over with 
another one and then wait to be able to do my hearts desire again...bringing 
God's people into worship.  Do you hear my heart?  I'm not into ministry for 
the sake of being in front of people for my ego.  I could care less...I've 
even thought about setting up the platform in a way that puts the worship 
leader out of the direct vision of the congregation.  I just feel like my 
wife and I have had our dreams and hearts desire crushed again.  I just don't 
want to put my wife or myself through this again.  We have taken a rest from 
everything this week...no weekly fellowship group or bible study.  We even 
didn't go to church this morning!!!  It's easter and we celebrated by 
ourselves.  The Lord has comforted our hearts be letting us see that we were 
truly released by HIM, not man.  This was just a season of growing and 
waiting in His presence.  Like young David out tending the Fathers sheep.  Or 
like Moses on the back side of Midian with the goats for 40 years.  Now is 
our time to truly take what we have learned and go forth with compassion to 
the lost and hurting.  I believe that the Lord had a reason for all of this, 
I just wish He would let up a bit on the heart rending for a while.  
I have rambled long enough, please keep us in prayer as we search for God's 
will in selecting a church.  Preferably a Vineyard, but whatever HE wants.  
Thanks for listening everyone.

Jason and Sara Rase
Worship Leaders/Writers
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