RE: [Worship] What to do in this situation??

["Ibarra, Raymond" <ribarra@ci.livermore.ca.us>]

I believe this will be a short answer, because I am not one to respond with
10 paragraphs, and so much commentary, but I say what i can, and love to
read others response.....

As soon as I finished reading this passage, I felt some of your burden...
and as soon as I hit the close button on the email, the passage of scripture
came to me, now I might not be paraphrasing it correctly, but it goes
something like this.....

When Jesus said,   "unless a grain of corn fall to the ground and die, how
can it live again, and produce"

Somebody shared this with me sometime, and it can pertain, to a lot of areas
in our lives, where we will achieve or prosper, or attain something.....eg.
Wife, Husband, Calling, Talent, Finances....
Meaning we have to let it die, so that it can live again....

Maybe you should lay low for a little while, and stay away from the Worship
Leader, Team, and others who are in the music ministry, and just sing in
your prayer time, and make other relationships in other ministries, and when
you let this dream, vision, or calling die, God will raise it back up
again....and it sure is beautiful WHEN GOD does it in his time.....

But just like a seed thats planted, jus water it and cultivate it in Prayer,
But not outwardly...
So that God blesses you in secret....

I hope this helps......

-----Original Message-----
From: mikechey [mailto:mikechey@email.msn.com]
Sent: Thursday, January 04, 2001 3:06 PM
To: worship@praise.net
Subject: [Worship] What to do in this situation??


Hi all..


  For those who don't know the background, I go to a church that only in the
past year grew from 90 people to 800 people with two services now.
I am 40 years old, mom of 4 and wife.. who loves to sing.
I have been singing since I was young..
and also dealing with alot of insecurity too..due to past and the enemies
use of it to one down.
I never had to worry about ego, self service or anything growing up with the
Lord even when I wasn't walking with him.
I sang in bands for years and did some praise and worship in a couple of
churches but not for very long because I didn't stand firm in God..
I gave up singing in public altogether when I married my husband 12 years
ago.
Singing helps me in times of trouble (helps me praise God to give me peace)
singing helps me when I am hurting and when I am happy, I express it by
singing.
When I came to my church, I noticed that they didn't have an overabundance
of people singing specials nor do they have a choir that has much oomph.
The pastors wife is a singer..very meek but sweet voice..
the worship/praise leader can hit all the notes but I feel she isn't into
the role even tho it was placed on her for the past two years..
So here I am new, and they know I can sing..but they never use me.
I almost sang solo on a song but the key was too high and I got scared at
the last minute because I strained during rehearsal..I asked the leader to
change the key and she didn't..but it turned out for the best.
I also had a run in with the leader about her coldness(she seems kind of
stand offish and not really warm...still does. )
and I went to her. I felt we worked things out and I hug her when I can.. I
also try to be as friendly as I can..not fake..
I didn't want to even start singing yet in the church because I wanted to be
back with Jesus for awhile first but my sister helped rush me into it..and I
get banged up against walls not only by MY own insecurities but byt the
devil's little machinations.
So lately I am dealing with two things..

A. The church hasn't had a singer that sings like me before that hasn't left
the church or the Lord.
I think they expect this from me and the leader put a bug into my head that
I might get some thrill out of having people hear me sing..
I never thought that about myself before.. I mean, I used to be just happy
singing by myself to God or my family.. I mean as long as someone is getting
pleasure out of it, that's what I want.. And whne it's for God, I want the
voice to heal or bless someone an bring them into God's presence.. I want to
help MOVE people..to worship..
or in a solo, to make their hearts just burst with love for God or be moved
to tears because they are touched by a song.
The leader and now the pastor's wife seem so distant to me..(they are close)
and I don't know how to handle it...
I get very insecure anyway, and sometimes feel as if I should just back
off..
but my husband, sister and close friend at the church tell me that that
would be wrong.
To not put my talent in a box..
but it seems like so much trouble.. which leads to the next problem.

B. I have NEVER EVER felt I had a big head about my singing.. in fact, the
opposite..
and now just when I am accepting the voice God gave me as much as I can even
when hearing these HUGE christian singers with beautiful voices that I know
I cannot compare to.. (I feel that I could do some good for a local
church..but that's it..)
now because of what the praise leader told me "if you get some thrill out of
having people hear you sing, you can just not sing this song" (when I tried
out for a lead part in that song that I backed out of doing")
I started being really attacked in my mind about my motives.. "you just want
people to hear you sing" " you are really wicked and evil and don't even
really love God you just love yourself"
and all these other ugly things I keep thinking in my head ..
I have NEVER ever had this problem before... and I don't like it.
I love God, I have loved him for as long as I can remember.. even tho I fell
a million times. I still loved HIM ,.or at least I FELT love for Him.
I always believed in Him..tho I struggled with service and commitment..
but now I want to commit and I have to battle my own mind .
Sometiems it doesn't seem worth the trouble to serve in that way.
sometimes I feel I should just sit back and chill with God and let others do
their own thing..forget ministering in music!
this is so hard and I want to know from someone else who is now a worship
leader or singer for the Lord, were you attacked with thoughts about your
ego?
about your own Glory?
I have even slipped when singing a song about the Lord making the lyrics
about ME.
I don't mean to..it just slips and then I think I am really horrible!
even my kids and husand tell me that's just the devil!!! but can he stumble
our words?

Like I said, it doesn't feel worth it. I am not strong enough.. I want the
Lord to help me but I feel that he isn't there when it comes to this
sometimes!
I want to just sing for Him without all the garbage coming up in my mind, or
I would rather NOT sing except at home for him!

Any ideas anyone?
:)
thanks!
Chey



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